My name's Johanna Morrigan. I'm fourteen. And I've just decided to kill myself. I don't really want to die, of course! I just need to kill Johanna, and build a new girl.

It's 1990. The Happy Mondays are on Top of the Pops, Thatcher's almost gone and life is so awful here in Wolverhampton that something drastic has to give.

So, I will build this new girl out of library books, pop music, eyeliner and feedback! Things do not go smoothly. In fact, I...

...Get nervous and talk like Elvis a lot;

...Force myself to smoke;

...Almost expire through wanting to be kissed;

...Take really rough speed;

...Fail to recognise my brother is gay!

...Become confused as to whether or not I actually have a boyfriend;

...Engage in the most inept self-harming session ever;

...Have sex with a man with a uselessly large penis;

...And drink too, too, too much, every time.

My life is basically The Bell Jar written by Adrian Mole. But in the end, like all great stories, I did it all for a girl.

Me.